So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
