hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
