is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My ATM looks so different sober.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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