forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
