There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
