Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
