Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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