Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
