talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Boobs are out for the taking
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize