Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
