Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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