then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
