Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
