bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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