Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
we're so committed to being not committed
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