Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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