We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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