Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
