Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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