Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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