cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
