Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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