Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
my liver is dry heaving
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
