Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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