even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
