Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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