Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I want a musical about memes.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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