The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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