I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
