tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
