glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
