i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
