I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
