Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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