Can i not drive my cunt home
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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