i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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