I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
