Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
