there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I met the friendliest cop last night
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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