if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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