Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
