I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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