are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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