Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
