So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
