You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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