im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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