i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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