8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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