The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
