she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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