Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
