Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize