I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
