I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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