i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
