Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I supernannyed him into submission
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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