Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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