she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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