you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Randomize
