I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
