God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
