We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
