and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
