So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
