My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
