After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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